Always Go to the Funeral

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I grew up in a small town and funerals were a major social event.  I don't mean to be disrespectful or belittle funerals by saying that - quite the contrary.  People rallied around the grieving family, filling their homes and funeral home kitchens with more 1 pound bags of black coffee and more doughnuts and more sandwiches cut diagonally with the crusts cut off and more fried chicken than you could shake a stick at.

I'll confess to you that I didn't like to go to funerals.  I still don't.  Funerals make me sad.  I don't like the finality and to see the tear-stained faces of people I care about. I don't like thinking about the fact that, until we reach the other shore, we won't see the person in the casket again.  To be perfectly honest, I'd rather not go.  Funerals, because of their oft unexpected nature, conflict with plans and schedules and are often inconvenient.

I can distinctly remember my grandmother, who we called Bumby, making darn sure that I attended every funeral.  She would make me stop what I was doing and would usher me (sometimes by the ears) to her waiting Chevrolet Caprice (or was it an Impala?) and she would drive me across town. She had "pin stripes" on the side of this car from getting too close to the sides of her carport and she drove that car like Bill Elliott might have driven if he was in a rush.  She'd get airborne going over the railroad tracks and by the time we got to the funeral home, I thought they might have to open the second chapel for the both of us.  But it was vitally important to be there to pay our respects.

Honestly, I was (and probably still am) too immature and selfish to understand why it is so important. Recently I read a great article from Art of Manliness called Doing Good versus Doing Nothing.  You ought to click on that link and give it a read.  I read it to the family around the supper table the other night.  The Art of Manliness is a very well-written and insightful blog that I am subscribed to and read every single post that the McKays make.

The author of the article, James “Uncle Buzz” Surwilo, said, "we should make the effort to extend ourselves, or put ourselves in uncomfortable situations for the benefit of others. Such moments, such opportunities for a kind act, may never happen again, and a seemingly slight gesture, or offering of mere presence, may be awkward, may be bothersome, but can have a lasting impact. It’s always better to do something than to take the easier way out."

The author referenced an essay called "Always Go to the Funeral" that made the profound point:

“I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that…‘Always go to the funeral’ means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don’t feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don’t really have to and I definitely don’t want to. I’m talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The shiva call for one of my ex’s uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn’t been good versus evil. It’s hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.”

What a simple, yet weighty thought.  The daily battle isn't good versus evil.  It is doing good versus doing nothing.  I find that to be, indeed, a daily struggle.  Going to the funeral, even when you don't want to confront the sadness or loss or to see the pain in the reddened, tear-filled eyes of family, friends, and neighbors, is the right thing to do. Just being there is important even when you can't find the words to say and everything that comes out of your mouth is cliche.  It means something special to the other person.  And as Bumby always told me, "One day you are going to be where they are and it will be important to you that people came and were simply there, gave you a hug, and expressed their condolences."  Always Go to the Funeral. Bumby, you were so right!