Goofus and Gallant

 

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Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were

- Barbara Streisand

Memories are a funny thing.  I have trouble remembering computer passwords.  I can't remember any of my loved ones' phone numbers anymore because I just press their names on my phone.  But I can remember all of my grandparents' phone numbers from 1976.  I can remember the strong chlorine smell in the hallway going to swimming lessons at the YMCA in Lake Charles where I learned to swim.  I can remember all the lyrics to Jim Croce songs, John Denver songs, and even "You light up my life" by Debbie Boone.  We sang all these to the top of our lungs riding in the very back of the Oldsmobile station wagon facing backwards as Mom and Dad drove down the interstate.

I can also remember the horror, the absolute dread and fear of going down Oak Park Boulevard as a kid on the way to the dentist.  Dr. Morrissey, I'm convinced, led a double life working for the CIA torturing captured spies for information related to threats against our homeland.  On days he wasn't pulling toenails out or performing Chinese water torture on captured espionage agents, he doubled as a children's dentist.  It was a very effective cover.  

He was rough.  Although, I figure, he was a pretty good dentist, he wasn't compassionate.  I don't think he liked kids much.  I get queasy just thinking about what it was like as a kid waiting in the waiting room for my name to be called. In my mind's eye I could hear muffled screams from the poor kids that had gone before me. There was one thing to pass the time while you waited for the hammer and chisel that awaited on the other side of the wooden door.  There was a magazine called "Highlights" on the table in the waiting area.

I always turned quickly to my favorite section of the magazine.  It was a cartoon called Goofus and Gallant.  It, not so subtly, pointed out good behavior from bad behavior and tried to instill in children a desire to be well-behaved, respectful, and courteous.  Goofus was always doing the wrong thing.  He was rude and disrespectful, mean and selfish.  The point was made clearly by Highlights magazine - Don't be like Goofus!  In all actuality, I figure Goofus is currently residing in Angola State Penitentiary.  That guy, if a choice was to be made, always chose the wrong one, a contrarian by nature.

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Gallant, on the other hand, was perfect.  This dude was thoughtful, obedient, kind.  Gallant never picked his nose and never said a cross word.  I wanted to take the magazine back to the dentist chair with me, because if my Mom ever read it and saw Gallant's model of behavior, well, I was in big trouble, because no one could measure up to Gallant.  I wanted to keep the bar low and not have Mom knowing about Gallant.  Why, she'd end up wanting her children to be like Gallant.  That was too high a hill to climb.  

About that time, I would be called back to be water boarded (cavity filled).  I'd walk to the back obediently to face my executioner like I assume Gallant would have done.  I guess there was one other bright spot to the visit than reading Highlights.  At the end of the visit, I would get to pick out a cool looking plastic spider ring out of a big candy jar.  Goofus, I'm sure, would've taken two, but I had been conditioned to be like Gallant and take one and say through numbed lips, "Thank you."  

Memories of Childhood Doctor Visits

I can remember a couple of things about early visits to the doctor.  First, I hated going because of the allergy shots that I would receive there.  They hurt.  That and the doctor's office had a strong medicinal smell.  I didn't like going there.  Not at all.

There was one thing I remember, though, that I sort of liked.  Every doctor's office seemed to have a subscription to Highlights Magazine.  I would quickly thumb through the magazine until I found my favorite part - Goofus and Gallant.

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Even though my parents did their best to teach us right from wrong, the Goofus and Gallant cartoon panel provided additional reinforcement to the idea that it was a good thing to behave yourself.  As the example above illustrates, Goofus is breaking bottles against trees while Gallant is disposing his waste in a trash can. Undoubtedly, some innocent kid came along and cut his foot open on Goofus' broken glass.  It seems like a simple concept, but Goofus never got it.  He was always doing the wrong thing.  Goofus' Dad needed to give him a good spanking, but of course that is not looked upon favorably these days.

I get the idea that Goofus is probably serving hard time in a federal penitentiary somewhere and Gallant is a quiet, successful businessman that serves on the city council. Gallant will be flying the flag tomorrow and celebrating Independence Day. Goofus has squandered his freedom and is a slave to his rebellious nature that constantly gets him in trouble.

In the doctor's office, you could always check into the latest Highlights to see what Goofus and Gallant were up to and, more importantly, to see if you were behaving more like Goofus or more like Gallant.  Gallant was polite, caring, giving, compassionate, and courteous.  No one is perfect.  We all have a little "Goofus" in us from time to time. Looking back, I think what I learned from Highlights Magazine is that there are a lot of jerks like Goofus running around these days, (in fact, at times it seems that the Goofus' outnumber the Gallants) but regardless, it is always best to try to act like Gallant.  That was the Highlight of painful trips to the doctor.