Goofus and Gallant

 

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Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were

- Barbara Streisand

Memories are a funny thing.  I have trouble remembering computer passwords.  I can't remember any of my loved ones' phone numbers anymore because I just press their names on my phone.  But I can remember all of my grandparents' phone numbers from 1976.  I can remember the strong chlorine smell in the hallway going to swimming lessons at the YMCA in Lake Charles where I learned to swim.  I can remember all the lyrics to Jim Croce songs, John Denver songs, and even "You light up my life" by Debbie Boone.  We sang all these to the top of our lungs riding in the very back of the Oldsmobile station wagon facing backwards as Mom and Dad drove down the interstate.

I can also remember the horror, the absolute dread and fear of going down Oak Park Boulevard as a kid on the way to the dentist.  Dr. Morrissey, I'm convinced, led a double life working for the CIA torturing captured spies for information related to threats against our homeland.  On days he wasn't pulling toenails out or performing Chinese water torture on captured espionage agents, he doubled as a children's dentist.  It was a very effective cover.  

He was rough.  Although, I figure, he was a pretty good dentist, he wasn't compassionate.  I don't think he liked kids much.  I get queasy just thinking about what it was like as a kid waiting in the waiting room for my name to be called. In my mind's eye I could hear muffled screams from the poor kids that had gone before me. There was one thing to pass the time while you waited for the hammer and chisel that awaited on the other side of the wooden door.  There was a magazine called "Highlights" on the table in the waiting area.

I always turned quickly to my favorite section of the magazine.  It was a cartoon called Goofus and Gallant.  It, not so subtly, pointed out good behavior from bad behavior and tried to instill in children a desire to be well-behaved, respectful, and courteous.  Goofus was always doing the wrong thing.  He was rude and disrespectful, mean and selfish.  The point was made clearly by Highlights magazine - Don't be like Goofus!  In all actuality, I figure Goofus is currently residing in Angola State Penitentiary.  That guy, if a choice was to be made, always chose the wrong one, a contrarian by nature.

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Gallant, on the other hand, was perfect.  This dude was thoughtful, obedient, kind.  Gallant never picked his nose and never said a cross word.  I wanted to take the magazine back to the dentist chair with me, because if my Mom ever read it and saw Gallant's model of behavior, well, I was in big trouble, because no one could measure up to Gallant.  I wanted to keep the bar low and not have Mom knowing about Gallant.  Why, she'd end up wanting her children to be like Gallant.  That was too high a hill to climb.  

About that time, I would be called back to be water boarded (cavity filled).  I'd walk to the back obediently to face my executioner like I assume Gallant would have done.  I guess there was one other bright spot to the visit than reading Highlights.  At the end of the visit, I would get to pick out a cool looking plastic spider ring out of a big candy jar.  Goofus, I'm sure, would've taken two, but I had been conditioned to be like Gallant and take one and say through numbed lips, "Thank you."