Antlers of Ridicule and Scorn

Well, the other afternoon, we heard a familiar sound.  A goat was crying.  We knew exactly what had happened.  It is not the first time it happened, or the second, or third, or fourth.  Or fifth, for that matter.  Salt is one of Oreo's twins.  Salt is not too bright.  Her brother, Pepper, is not a Rhodes scholar, by any stretch, but he's smarter than Salt - although Salt does not set the bar for intellect very high.

Salt has been getting her head stuck in the fence.  Repeatedly.  The grass is indeed always greener on the other side of the fence.  The fence, in this case, is a 4 x 4 "hog wire" and the goats love to poke their heads through it and eat the tender grass on the other side.  The predicament they find themselves in is that they have horns that prevent them from getting their heads back through.

Help me!

The ideal thing to do is that when the goats are a week or so old, you get a de-horner and de-horn them.  We got busy with other things and didn't do this in time and the horns are too long.  Those horns have proven to be troublesome for Salt.  I think if you look at her below, she's kind of embarrassed to be stuck yet again.

Okay, I know it's like the tenth time, but can you get me out, please?

I searched for ideas.  We've used rubber band emasculators before on Annie in order to de-horn her, but she grew scurs (partial horn re-growth).  I found people that had success with something I'll call the "Antlers of Ridicule and Scorn."  The cost for installation is negligible.  All you need is a length of PVC pipe and some duct tape.  Every redneck has that laying around somewhere.

You simply lay the PVC pipe horizontally against the front of the goat's horns and apply the duct tape numerous times in a 'figure-8' around the horns and PVC until secure.  When you are done, it will look something like this:

I am so ashamed!

The Antlers of Ridicule and Scorn work because they prevent the goat's head from being able to fit between the 4x4 spacings in the fence.  Although it is July, looking at Salt reminded me of Christmas, specifically this guy: (Don't you see the resemblance?)

Image Credit

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...  Salt did not like her antlers.  The duct tape held them on tight and no amount of shaking her head would shake them loose.

Salt saw that it was futile to try to remove her antlers and tried to accept her new accessory.  She tried to act normal, but I believe she knew how ridiculous she looked to us and her barnyard friends.

What are you looking at?

Her twin, Pepper, approached her and inspected her antlers between spasms of laughter.  I'm pretty sure I witnessed Pepper laughing uncontrollably.  Salt's confidence was shaken.

You look mahvelous! (cough, cough, snicker, snicker)

But here came Oreo.  It was suppertime!  Salt and Pepper ran to Oreo to nurse.  Then the craziest thing happened.  Oreo would not let Salt come near her with the antlers.  Oreo began to head butt her away.  I don't know if it scared Oreo.  I do know that Salt and Pepper aren't weaned yet and with the Antlers of Ridicule and Scorn installed, Salt would be on an involuntary hunger strike if I didn't take action.

I reluctantly removed Salt's antlers.  I have them stored away for safekeeping.  In a month, when it is time to wean Salt, I'll re-install the antlers.  Until then, we keep our eyes and ears open for Salt.  She doesn't seem to learn her lesson and I'm sure we'll have to pry her head out of the fence another time or three...